Smarter, not harder.

For a while now, I have been debating how I can make my life easier in terms of grading. Here's what I have decided. One month of the tedium should be enough for a person to catch on to a practice of a concept. For example vocabulary. No longer an I going to assign and grade a list of vocab words with definitions that are parroted off of a website. It's a waste of y time, and likely my students'. I am also going to pull corrections into my class. I shouldn't have to physically correct right/wrong responses. My students can share in the joy. Not only will they see the correct answers and have opportunity to ask questions, I will also be able to benefit from the divide and conquer approach.

I will save the harder for more willing recipients. ;)

The Great Equalizer

I have spent the last two nights reading deep into the early hours. Normally I try to avoid this time of day. I have yet to meet it with anything but a devastatingly sober frame of mind. In those wee hours thoughts that float formless in the universe find their way to unfettered fruition.

About a month ago, two of my first set of graduating seniors sent me off with a gift: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It is this book that has extended my waking life and elicited great contemplation. In the end it has left me with one cavernous thought…

If I were to die tonight, how long would it take for others to notice?

Temptation

I’ve never been good and biting back a little lust—whether it be for coffee, a little extra time between the sheets, or a good ole avoidance scheme. This isn’t any different. It’s the mystery that sucks me in. If I don’t know, I have to find out. My insides knot, my mind buzzes, and my body jitters. I am not sure why most people play Sherlock Holmes so calm. He had to be anything but, lusting after all that unknowable unknown!

But I am rambling…

Just Another Blog Post(?)

To be completely honest, I wish I were posting on one of my other blogs. If I were, that would mean my social life (instead of my internal dialogue) was thriving. Alas, it does not appear this is meant to be. 

It has officially been a week since I have had a substantial conversation with the one person who has piqued a genuine interest from me in quite awhile. He should take that as a compliment. In fact, he should be highly flattered that he was able to inspire such interest. Few have managed to. But I digress; I am waxing a bit Narcissistic, and I do not intend to spend the rest of my days entranced with these reflections in my river of thought.

To cast a wider net: my life has been a rapid-fire of rhetorical questions, and, unlike the gentlemen of the Second Virginia Convention, I do not have Patrick Henry to tell me how I should think and behave. I often wish this were in fact my reality. In my (no longer) secret heart I crave to have someone tell me what my next career move, romantic tryst, or fulfillment should be. I am unashamed to admit that the longing to be fired has crossed my mind. If I were fired, I would be forced to take my life back into my own hands. I would have to make the decisions that I will otherwise ignore until a catalyst of some sort rocks the foundations of my life. I have also secreted away a hope for someone to enter my life and provide a reason to release the anchor of my disconnected family. I want to float. 

When all is said and done, I want a reason to leave my comfort zone. I want to be pushed to reveal myself. I want to be offered the opportunity to risk some of my self-appointed prudishness and disregard my insecurities to become the confident, charismatic, cutting, crude, and compassionate woman I know I have hidden for far too long.

Should vs. Could

A few years ago, a wise man told me (through my tears) that I have to take ownership of my words and my decisions. Rather than consistently giving others the power by admitting what I should do, I need to take the choice into my own hands and weigh the coulds. 

I could have gone to Minneapolis tonight, listened to some great music and (potentially) been shot down.

My heart used a should.

My head took too long to decided.

Indecision made that decision for me.

Taking Advantage

I am not sure when my thinking changed. Perhaps it was some time during one of the three semester of college when Feminist literature began to permeate my thought structure. Likely it was before then.

I used to believe-partially because of my Catholic upbringing and partially from my overwhelming need for self preservation-that I would wait to take the big relationship step until I was married. I had seen what happened to my parents and their marriage. Those years of anger, frustration and helplessness forced me to slow down in terms of any relationship. I avoided any real romantic feelings in high school. It wasn't that I didn't have offers. It was that I didn't want to hook up with someone who would tighten the hooks of Kaukauna. I have always wanted something bigger. I still do. I ache for a reason to ditch this monotony.

I have been misstepping lately. I don't know if it is because I desperately want to make that connection to something bigger than myself. My job has begun to take me over, and I know I am more than just the work that I do. I need to be more than just the work that I do-no matter how worthwhile it may seem in the grander scheme of things. I have been moving quicker than my history would prove reasonable, and I am afraid it is having a reverse effect. It scares me that some outward sign of eagerness will contradict my truth and turn me into something worse than a hypocrite.

I haven't missed out on the promiscuous age of living in the now, but when will I find the person who will force me to take advantage of risking nothing?