I am not sure when my thinking changed. Perhaps it was some time during one of the three semester of college when Feminist literature began to permeate my thought structure. Likely it was before then.
I used to believe-partially because of my Catholic upbringing and partially from my overwhelming need for self preservation-that I would wait to take the big relationship step until I was married. I had seen what happened to my parents and their marriage. Those years of anger, frustration and helplessness forced me to slow down in terms of any relationship. I avoided any real romantic feelings in high school. It wasn't that I didn't have offers. It was that I didn't want to hook up with someone who would tighten the hooks of Kaukauna. I have always wanted something bigger. I still do. I ache for a reason to ditch this monotony.
I have been misstepping lately. I don't know if it is because I desperately want to make that connection to something bigger than myself. My job has begun to take me over, and I know I am more than just the work that I do. I need to be more than just the work that I do-no matter how worthwhile it may seem in the grander scheme of things. I have been moving quicker than my history would prove reasonable, and I am afraid it is having a reverse effect. It scares me that some outward sign of eagerness will contradict my truth and turn me into something worse than a hypocrite.
I haven't missed out on the promiscuous age of living in the now, but when will I find the person who will force me to take advantage of risking nothing?
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